Dead Dogs Tell No Tales: A Rather Late Review of Australia

I've decided I'm going to revise Chekhov's famous gun rule this way: If a dog is introduced in the first act, it will die tragically in the third. Filmmakers everywhere apparently have a tacit agreement that dogs can and should be included in a film as a means to manipulate the audience's emotions when said dog is senselessly shot/poisoned/has its neck snapped. Dogs have become the new version of the obligatory unnamed Star Trek cast member who appears and dies in every episode.

Why am I ranting about this particular little movie tidbit? I finally got around to watching Australia. Yes, I know it's not my usual movie fare (not to mention two years too late), but everybody kept telling me how wonderful it was and how I had to see it. So I Netflixed it. And yes, the dog dies.

Every person I talked to raved about the beautiful scenery, the exquisite cinematography. So while I didn't have high expectations for the film itself, I was prepared to be blown away by the breathtaking experience that is panoramic vistas in Blu-ray. So imagine my disappointment when I watched the actual film. Yes, there were certainly a few scenes with the stock Australia-type footage. Everything in between, however, appeared to have been filmed in a studio in sunny LA. Even the big outdoor scenes were split by badly transitioned close-ups that were obviously shot in a studio. One second Nicole Kidman or Hugh Jackman would be kicking up dust astride a horse, and the next second there would a poorly-lit head shot of them with a Sears Portrait Studio background behind them and a oscillating fan to the side. The shift between location and studio shots was so poor that after a while it became physically jarring.

Of course, dead dog and bad filming aside, the biggest problem with the film was that I'd already seen it. Yeah, I saw it back in 1992 when it was called Far and Away. Different time period, you say? Different country and no Tom Cruise, you point out? Well, it doesn't make any difference. The films were so similar in feel and circumstances to be laughable. The boy narrator even refers to Kidman once as the "Far, far away lady." Did the writers intend that as a joke? I hope so because it would be the only clever writing in the entire film.

Now, I must temper my harsh words with the reminder that the sweeping historical romance is not my usual choice when it comes to film, so I went into this whole experience with a bit of bias. Nevertheless, I watched the movie with as much of an open mind as I could muster hoping to be pleasantly surprised. Alas, I wasn't. The expected people died. The predictable misunderstandings and moments of poignancy went off like clockwork. No new ground was trod by this film or its director/writer, Baz Luhrmann.

All that being said, the film was entertaining and full of suspense. Nicole Kidman's costumes were beautiful, and she looked like an ivory goddess (as usual.) Hugh Jackman was appropriately craggy and emotionally unavailable, and love conquers all in the end.

Love wasn't enough, however, to overcome the bad writing and poor cinematography. It also didn't save the dog.

Movies + Mail = Magic

I've mentioned before that I'm married to a major technophile and that we share a mania for movies. Well, those two obsessions have found the perfect marriage in Netflix and its PS3 Watch Instantly feature. Though we have discussed a Netflix subscription before, we've never joined. Steve (in true Steve form) wanted to wait until Netflix opened up their Watch Instantly site to the PS3 Network, and (as usual) he was right to wait. It's amazing! While we receive Blu-Rays in the mail as fast as we can watch them, there is, of course, a two-day lag as we wait for the next flick. With the Watch Instantly feature there are tons of movies that we can watch right on our tv without paying any more money! Do I sound like a commercial? Yes. Do I care? Not so much. As Steve likes to say, "It's a good time to be alive." No more trips to the video store. What's next - flying cars?

So here's the rundown on some of our Netflix viewing (both Blu-Rays and Instants). I won't do extensive reviews, but I'll tell what was a winner and why.

Bottle Rocket - Yay for finally getting to see Wes Anderson's first film! I must admit I'm a little obsessed with Wes Anderson and his movies (I've probably seen Royal Tenenbaums a couple hundred times.) So my opinion of this film may be a bit biased. Suffice it to say that if you didn't enjoy any of his other films, you probably won't like this one either. I, on the other hand, thought Owen Wilson was his usual brilliant self in the movie that he helped Anderson write. The set and costumes had the same not-quite-real look and feel of Anderson's other films, and the plot meandered deliciously from one offbeat scene to another. And last but certainly not least, the soundtrack was pitch perfect. While this isn't my favorite Anderson film, I didn't feel a bit cheated by my first Netflix rental, and I will be adding this Criterion Collection Blu-Ray to my Christmas Wish List.

Away We Go - This film stars Maya Rudolph and John Krazinski (The Office) and follows two lost souls as they tour the country looking for the perfect place to raise their unborn child. The movie was directed by Sam Mendes (American Beauty) and, as I found out in the Blu-Ray featurettes, was a "green" film where environmental impact was considered throughout every aspect of the filmmaking process. This movie featured some of my favorite comic actors, such as Catherine O'Hara and Allison Janney, and they didn't disappoint with fresh performances that kept me laughing and cringing (in a good way.) Rudolph and Krazinksi were both charming as the world's most unprepared parents, and I was left feeling entertained despite a few brief forays into sappiness. Overall, there was a indie feel without the depressing indie ending.

Star Trek - Yes, I caved. I wasn't sure I wanted to see this movie since I simply didn't trust J.J. Abrams (of Lost fame) to reimagine my precious Star Trek characters, so needless to say, I went into this rental with very low expectations. Perhaps I should make this my new policy when watching movies since I was so pleasantly surprised by this film. Yes, it was more of an action flick than anything Gene Roddenberry ever created, and yes, changes were made. Any inconsistencies in plot, however, were explained away with a clever twist that allowed Abrams far more latitude than I would have imagined. The relative unknowns who played the iconic Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Checkov, Scotty, and Bones all did admirable jobs of following in their predecessors' footsteps. The "new" Kirk did drop the William Shatner halting over-the-top delivery, but he stayed true to the spirit of Kirk, which was more important to me. Nobody can be Shatner, and it would have been pointless to try. Like Lucas' Star Wars prequels, the film did suffer from the whole better-technology-when-the-prequels-get-made malady making it hard to believe that the Enterprise was actually less advanced than in the tv show, but the rest of the movie was good enough that I forgave Abrams this small sin.

Funny People - This movie was hyped so much on The Tonight Show (I swear Conan interviewed every single cast member at some point during the film's theater run) that I had fairly high expectations for it, and it didn't disappoint. That is not to say, however, that this movie was what I expected. I went into to it expecting the usual Apatow fare (that's not a bad thing, by the way), but what I got was a much darker film with a bit of an indie feel. Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen were hilarious together - especially the scenes where they are writing stand-up material. I was also happy to see one of my favorites, Jason Swartzman, and he was funny (and weird) as ever. Jonah Hill was entertaining, though nothing about his performance was particularly new or different. I hate to declare the man to be a one-trick pony, but alas, I think I may hear the glue factory calling.

As for Instants, we've been watching everything from Mystery Science Theater 3000 to the first and second seasons of Dexter. Steve's also been loading up on all his guilty favorites, cult classics from his childhood, some of which I have watched and some I skipped. The Adventures of Baron Munchausen? Not bad. I mean, how bad could a film be that features cast members from Monty Python and Robin Williams playing a disembodied head? I managed to skip Krull (saved by a Sunday afternoon nap.) I've added a few Instants of my own to the queue, and I'm hoping to watch some of them this week while Steve's at work and I'm taking a break from schoolwork. After all, I don't think I can convince Steve to watch Monsoon Wedding or Smart People. The poor guy is already having to put up with a crazy pregnant lady, and every man has his limit.

Nerd Wars: A Review of Fanboys

Kyle Newman's Fanboys is a 90 minute reiteration of all my nerd theory philosophizing. From the multiple scenes of Fanboy on Trekkie violence to the repeated comments of scornful Star Wars Fans mocking lowly Trekkies, the lack of unity among the I-live-in-my-mother's-basement crowd permeates the entire film. With cameos by Billy Dee Williams, William Shatner, and Carrie Fisher, there's plenty of campy fun and nit-picky allusions to satisfy both the casual movie watcher and the hardcore fan. However, I doubt that someone who's never seen Empire Strikes Back or who think Jar Jar Binks is hilarious would seriously appreciate the film.

Fanboys follows four friends as they travel cross country in 1998 to break into Skywalker Ranch (for the uninitiated, that's the home of George Lucas) and steal a rough cut of Phantom Menace six months prior to its release. The one friend's terminal illness tempers the absurb nature of the plot and gives it an almost touching twist. He is, after all, a true fan and couldn't possibly consider dying without having seen the much anticipated film. So it's easy to believe that he would risk everything to steal the rough cut and breathe the rarified air of Skywalker Ranch. Of course, there is the overriding irony that every Star Wars Fan recognizes - Phantom Menace sucked.

As for stars, there aren't many in this film, and that is part of its charm. There are no big names among the main characters (with the possible exception of Kristen Bell who plays the ultimate girl nerd sidekick.) Seth Rogen makes some appearances as minor characters, though in his first appearance as a periodontally challenged Trekkie, he is almost unrecognizable. There are also the memorable cameos that I mentioned before, but mostly it's just a bunch of guys who were probably nerds in high school making a film about guys who were nerds in high school. The exuberance with which the actors approach these gleefully socially inept characters is charming and hilarious.

Both the director and the actors described Fanboys as a "love letter" to the work of George Lucas. The description seems apt. From the scene in the Lucas vault where the gang fondles all his movie memorabilia to the perfectly timed trip into the Lucas trash compactor, there was nothing but love for all things Lucas. While this film is a laugh a minute for Star Wars Fans, it may not be for everyone. Though it isn't as "colorful" as some of the other like-minded films (Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Zack and Miri), it does feature a cameo of Jay and Silent Bob, and as every nerd knows, Kevin Smith is somewhat synonymous with less-than-lily-white humor. They did manage to avoid the crude-for-crude's-sake humor that can sometimes lead to boredom.

If you're the type of person who can quote Star Wars dialogue like Scripture and thinks Dog the Bounty Hunter is a Boba Fett rip off, then this is the film for you. Watch it and enjoy philosophical debates about Luke and Leia's nefarious kiss. Watch it and know you're not alone. And may the force be with you.

Five Degrees of Separation

Just the other day I was informed that I was a “professional nerd.” When I asked what that meant, my friend explained that I wasn’t just a run-of-the-mill nerd. According to her, I embrace my nerd status and make a study of it. I make nerdy cross-references and study the implications of nerd philosophy. While I have never attempted to hide my less-than-cool status, I had never thought of my place in the nerd hierarchy in those terms before my friend’s casual comment.

As I consider my place in the kingdom of Movie Geeks, Comic Book Collectors, Star Wars fans, Gamers, and Trekkies, I realize that while I dabble in several areas of “nerdom,” I have never specialized. Each of these groups considers itself as slightly superior to the others, except perhaps Trekkies who seem to have accepted their rank at the bottom of the totem pole. Hang out in any of these circles for long and you’ll hear comments like, “Well, at least I don’t collect comic books,” or “It’s not like I play D&D in my mother’s basement.” Yes, even amongst nerds there is no solidarity. The cliques and prejudices of the popular crowd plague the nerds, too. Maybe that’s why I’ve never picked a side. I guess I’m more of an equal opportunity nerd. I accept all types of freaks and geeks, well, except for Gamers. They’re just weird.

Let us examine those I view as the highest functioning of the nerd set: the Movie Geek. This brand of nerdiness manifests itself in compulsive purchasing of DVDs including, but not limited to: classic cult films, sci-fi flicks, indies, complete television series, and childhood favorites. The average Movie Geek will probably have The Princess Bride, The Original Star Wars Trilogy, Pulp Fiction, Caddyshack, The Godfather, and Office Space in their DVD library. Of course, the title of Movie Geek is not bestowed on every person with a DVD collection in their closet. No, the title involves far more responsibility than simply maintaining an impressive list of films. There is the movie quote/trivia knowledge factor. A true Movie Geek can always think of the most appropriate movie quote for any situation. They always win at “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.” (If you aren’t familiar with that game, don’t worry. It just means you’re not a Movie Geek.)

I must confess that I have a soft spot in my heart for this type of nerd, as it is a vital part of my own nerd makeup. When my husband and his friends spent a year speaking to each other in quotes from the film, Snatch, I could join in and hold my own. When my friends talk about a movie but just can’t remember who played the girl-who-killed-that-guy, I always come to the rescue. Movie trivia games at my house turn ugly, fast.

Many times, different nerd groups overlap. This is often true of the Movie Geeks and the Comic Book Collectors. While hard core Collectors certainly scoff at the “inaccuracies” of film adaptations of their beloved comics, they still line up to see the latest attempt to bring one of Stan Lee’s creations to life. Many films even celebrate the Comic Book Collector. Writer/Producer/Director/Actor Kevin Smith features comic books and collectors heavily in his films. In Smith’s Mallrats, one of the main characters has an epiphany after an encounter with Stan Lee in front of a comic book store. Even a blockbuster film like Live Free or Die Hard includes a brief interlude where Kevin Smith plays an uber-nerd who helps save the day. The Comic Book Collector may be mercilessly mocked by people both in and out of nerdom, but if Hollywood is any indication, their stock may be rising.

Closely related to the Comic Book Collector due to the similarity of subject matter is the Star Wars Fan. When I asked my husband what a fan of Star Wars was called, he said, “Cool.” Unfortunately for my husband (and me), that’s mostly wishful thinking. While Lucas’ recent offerings may have upped Star Wars’ popularity, the true Star Wars Fan still stands alone. Many a Fan has scoffed at the Star Wars neophyte who commented that Phantom Menace was awesome. The Die Hards know who they are and that Empire Strikes Back was the best Star Wars movie ever and that Admiral Ackbar can always spot a trap.

While I do claim to have a toehold in the Star Wars Fan realm of nerdom, I have to surrender to the greater power in the Force, my husband. One of his greatest regrets in life is that he never got a Millennium Falcon as a child. He actually plays a game with other Fans where they name random characters and decide who is “better,” a nerdy variation on the more risqué “Who Would You Do?” game. He recently lost this game to a seven-year-old boy. They were having an argument over who was better, Chewbacca or the Ewoks. My husband was arguing for Chewy while his little friend insisted that the Ewoks were better. When my husband asked him why, he simply said, “Chewbacca was fooled by a piece of meat.” No one could argue with that. (If you listen closely, you will hear all the nerds laughing at this story. They get it.)

Like the other layers of nerdiness that I have already explored, the next level of nerd flows nicely from Star Wars Fan – the Gamer. Once again, we have some overlap. Gamers like to live in a world of their own (or someone else’s) imagination. The same people who love LucasLand, also love to play Dungeons and Dragons (or D&D as it is affectionately called) and video games like World of Warcraft. The D&D Gamer hand-paints tiny figures to represent their characters whose fates are decided by the roll of 12-sided die. The D&D game is led by an all-powerful person called the Dungeon Master – also known as the guy who never got a date in high school. Gamers speak a language all their own and often see their imaginary worlds as a place of escape. Though this is the nerd group with whom I have the least affinity, I do have to salute their commitment to their own nerdiness. They make no attempt to hide their Gamer label. If anything, they seem to wear it with pride. You’d have to admire their bravery in parading their obsession in front of a cruel, uncaring world if you were sure they accepted this world as their own.

The final group in the nerd hierarchy deserves a paragraph without transition or link to the discussion of previous groups. In the land of nerds, Trekkies, or Trekkers as those in denial prefer to be called, stand alone. The devoted fans not only watch and memorize episode after episode of Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager, and Enterprise, they also attend conventions where all their fellow Trekkies gather, many of whom are dressed as their favorite character. They tell each other to “Live Long and Prosper” and translate Klingon love poetry.

For some reason that I can’t quite grasp, other nerds view Trekkies as the weakest of the Pocket-Protector Pack. They are the butt of jokes that nerds tell each other. To be called a Trekkie is considered an insult by many. This seems unfortunate to me since I have found Trekkies to be some of the nicest people I have ever met. Maybe it’s just my inner Trekkie bonding with a kindred spirit. Sure, I’ve never used the offer of a Vulcan mind meld as a pick-up line, but I do love the show and feel deep indignation at the fact that J.J. Abrams (of Lost fame) is bastardizing the series into some overblown action flick. Oh, no, my Trekkie is showing.

This explication of nerd-theory and the organic hierarchy of nerds across America has brought me to a higher understanding of my place in the cold, dark world of the uncool. Maybe my title shouldn’t be “Professional Nerd” as much as it should be “Nerd-For-All-Seasons.” I like to think I celebrate all the different areas of nerdom, and there are many. After all, I haven’t even started on the International Nerds. Great Britain has “Whoies,” a group obsessed with the show Doctor Who, a long-running program about a time traveling alien who regenerates into a different actor every time one Doctor “dies.” And as everyone knows, Tom Baker was the best of all the Doctors, and can I offer you a jelly baby?